Passion vs. polite affections

“Can he love her? Can the soul really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn – to be on fire like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise…”

These words are pronounced by Marianne, free spirited, whimsical romantic (a girl after my own heart) in one of my favorite novels written by Jane Austen: Sense and Sensibility.

She speaks in earnest, questioning her sister Eleanor’s relationship with a kind-hearted, more reserved sort of fellow, Edward Farrows, who has no talent for reading poetry.

Let’s just for a minute decipher what this means in terms of relationships and how we can apply it to us today.

Clearly we all have experienced the fireworks, electricity and crazy, unearthly feelings when we think we are falling deep for someone. I mean, it feels so real, right? What else could it be? It just has to be love.

And maybe it is by some definition, but the question I’m bringing to the table isn’t the fact that relationships such as this are not love, but to compare their endurance with another form.

For often, intense relationships such as this start off with a boom and bang, and yet when up against the test of time, they fail and fail to the point of heartbreaking sorrow; “an ever-fixed mark” is left on our hearts.

We are somehow changed forever. Nevertheless it is a gift and enables us to recognize when a more enduring love stares us in the face.

Marianne falls deeply in love with the handsome John Willoughby only to be rejected by him due to circumstance affecting his monetary wealth. Both are left in a pale-faced despair, he for his reluctant and impertinent leave and she for her feelings of abandonment.

What Marianne finds is another form of love – one of lasting permanence, one of selfless gestures and genuine caring. One that we just know will continue on.

So let me ask you how you feel on the subject. Can polite affectionate love win over lusty passion? Should we say bye to the rollercoaster and hello to the carousel?

Maybe in some cases, and maybe not in others. Dr. Nerd Love (I love it!) certainly has his take on the subject of love; you can read in full at drnerdlove.com.

He talks about his journey of “How do you know it’s love?” and the confusion caused through different interpretations brought on by the French concepts of courtly love and chivalry down to New Wave ’80s albums and John Hughes movies.

What he finds is love is a hell of a drug that inevitably fades no matter how strong at the start. In fact, the half life of infatuation and passion is somewhere between six months to a year on average.

Many couples assume this is the start of something wrong, an ebbing of passion and the instant rush of physical contact.

He says infatuation is the beginning point in a relationship, and if they are not careful, it could be the end. Passion’s wane is the necessary and deepening part to the emotional bond created.

“Love is actually much calmer than we are led to believe, even when passion fades and lust ebbs, love leaves a contentment and compassion for one’s partner,” he says.

Love is the motivating force that makes you want to fight for and fix your relationship rather than to let it fall apart.

So perhaps passion versus polite affections isn’t just a matter of the kind of relationship and the personalities involved, but the longevity you both make happen.

I say, if you think you are in love, hold out for what you know not, and find yourself never having to question if it was truly love in the first place…

Ciao Bella

Posted by Janel M. Harrison on May 30, 2013. Filed under Columns,Girl-2-Girl,Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry